A Journal of the Pandemic #12

Obviously since last I updated the United States became embroiled in another crisis, sparked by the death of George Floyd.  Last weekend mass protests broke out and some became riots, and this is what has been happening for the past week.  Black Lives Matter. 

 

I am not black.  I'm white.  In high school, in college, in Maine and Pennsylvania, black people were so rare they were almost novelties.  In my freshmen year of college I joined a club called Diversity 101, which predominantly featured black members and concerned itself with the black perspective.  The most dramatic thing I did with the club was attend a march on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, which might have seemed easy enough, but it was a frigid day in January, and I don't know if it's just colder in Pittsburg than in Erie, but...yeah, they looked at me like I was crazy, the organizers, not because I was white but because I was stupid enough not to bring warm gloves.  Eventually someone let me borrow some.  All I remember about it was how cold my hands really got.  I grew up in Maine.  I delivered newspapers every morning for five years.  I'm pretty sure that January morning was the coldest my hands ever got.  But it was worth it. 

 

I haven't attended any events.  I actually more or less quit Twitter for real because I was sick of the anger.  Angry tweets don't solve anything.  Have we learned nothing at all from Trump???  Maybe it's strength of solidarity, strength in numbers, I don't know, but it makes for a lousy social experience.  On Tuesday, when everyone was supposed to quit tweeting personal stuff, everyone pretty much went silent entirely, because at that point, despite repeated reminders of what the day was supposed to mean, everyone who was going to be participating was only angry tweeting anyway.  They had nothing else to say.  I checked back in yesterday.  Some of Twitter is back to normal.  But now it's just weird.  I talked before how I was going to quit because it's damn hard to be social when you suck at being social, even on the internet, even though I kept trying, and made a few tweets people enjoyed, but it's weird, trying to look at it the same way, after everyone decided they only wanted to say what everyone else was saying.  I love the sentiment.  I don't need everyone saying it.  Well, I don't.  It's an echo chamber.  That's the biggest problem we have today.  Everyone's indignant, but they're all complaining to everyone who already believes exactly what they believe.  What's being accomplished?  Everyone becomes convinced that they're absolutely making their points that whatever it is they want is definitely going to be accomplished...

 

Listen, and I don't want to get political (hey Pat! here's where you don't need to make a comment that I already know you would make), but this has become a problem that's only increased since 2016.  Since 2016 the absolute same things have been said repeatedly as if they're absolutely new, every single time, and...That's just not something that interests me.  I purged Facebook in 2016 because of this, because it's not just that there's no possibility of dialogue, it's that the people who talk about these things all the time seem to forget there's anything else worth talking about.  You're not saving civilization.  You're kind of destroying it.

 

Anyway, amazingly or not, the pandemic is still happening.  At work we had enough babies back for double staff ratio this week.  It was also my last week, as it turned out, as a part of the particular building staff I'd started out with two years ago, the last week I would have with my babies.  There are three buildings in the childcare system, as I've mentioned.  The one I started at needs to have renovations.  Finally the decision was made to reassign staff to the other buildings, and I ended up assigned to the other building, not the one we're been sharing the last month.  I don't know yet my specific fate, if I will even still be working with babies...!  I'll get to reunite with some staff that had been reassigned last fall, and with kids who went with them, most of whom I haven't gotten to see since then (the kids; I've managed to see all the staff in some capacity; I'm not social, so the chance of seeing them outside of work is remote).

 

I'm going to miss the babies I've worked with for so long, but at least of the ones we've had the past month, I can once again say I've gotten to enjoy seeing them make real and fantastic progress, which will always be rewarding.  I saw a one-year-old yesterday who...probably forgot all about who the heck I am, but suffice to say we enjoyed many great moments together in the baby room.  That's the nature of the job.  You're always saying goodbye.  That's really what this is, again.

 

Last time some of you expressed surprise that management would play so fast and loose with continuity.  I completely understand.  A part of me is horrified about what's happening with the staff.  Continuity is crucial!  But that's also...parenting.  I don't want to make this an ego thing.  I'm not the only person capable of caring for these kids.  It might sometimes seem that way, but, at the end of the day, the control I have is only as much as a day at a time gives me.  That's all anyone can say.  Some of us use that time wisely.  Some of us have no idea the impact we have.

 

Anyway, the pandemic will help the transition.  The numbers are low, and that's actually a blessing.  Some of these kids, as I've suggested, are forming new bonds with their parents.  Some of them are forgetting what it means to have an outside world, and that will produce its own challenges.  My sister used to be concerned about her daughter's socializing, what she might be missing out on if she stayed exclusively under my watch.  These are all kids who had that socializing.  Not everyone's me!  Some of us like hanging out with other people! 

 

The effects of the pandemic unquestionably fed into the reaction to George Floyd's murder.  It might even be argued that George Floyd died as much because of the pandemic as because of a callous police officer.  The arrest happened because he was attempting to use fake money.  I don't know why he did that.  I can only guess that he did it because he thought he had to.  I don't even know if he was employed at the time.  Black people are particularly vulnerable in this economy, and I can't imagine they weren't hit particularly hard by the shutdowns.  I don't know.  The rush to report outrage usually leaves these kinds of things unobserved.  If it wasn't economic reasons there was still unquestionably pent-up reactions to the shutdowns themselves.  There needs to be serious reflection on a lot of things.  It's not enough to say we have social safety nets.  We need to be able to have the courage to say it's not good enough for anyone to be privileged at the expense of anyone else.  This will hit black people, and it will hit all manner of other underprivileged segments of the population.  That's the whole point.  We live, as every society ever has, on unequal footing.  The idea of the American Dream always said that if you make the effort you can achieve anything.  Why does it have to come with strings attached?  Why do some people have to scratch and claw and others get a virtual free ride?  You don't have to look far.  You can see it in your own life, if you're honest.  Everyone benefits, or suffers (or, both).  Can you say which you experience?  Or if you have ever done something about it?

 

This is a moment in history built for reflection.  We have the time.  Let's call it something like a New Horizon.  Let's give each other the chance to see their dreams come true, without telling them they don't deserve it inherently.  Let's be honest.  For a change.